It is what it is.

Beginnings and endings. This is the stuff of life. We're born, we die. We move to a new place, and move out again. People come into our lives and then they leave. Relationships come and go. Marriages are created with the hope of lasting until the end. Usually, that is intended to mean one or the other dying. There is of course the other way, where one or both people end it for a myriad of reasons.

The end has come for mine. A few weeks ago, I received divorce papers in the mail. The reality is that it probably ended before these papers came, even before I moved out. Marriages can die a slow and painful death, and this is what happened with mine. We tried hard to revive it, but in the end, there were too many hurts that would not heal. Getting the papers delivered to me the day after I came back from a trip home to NYC was still something of a shock. I expected that it would be me that would make this decision, and in fact I was still wrestling with when and how I would do it. In many ways it was something of a relief, as now that decision was lifted from my shoulders. It still doesn't make it any easier emotionally in terms of knowing that there is now a finality to this journey that we both started so many years ago. I also think that this is the way for her to regain not only some control over the situation, but also as a way for her to go on with her life, to move forward.

I still love her, and always will, though I suspect she will always doubt it, and curse me for the rest of her days for leaving. It's what I had to do. Not a question so much of wanting, but had to. I could no longer see any other option. There was too much pain between us, something that even she had admitted. I look at the bare spot on my left hand's ring finger where there used to be an indentation after I took it off. There is nothing there now, no indication that there was a gold band that occupied it for 21 years. The ring that symbolized she and I now sits in a ceramic bowl on my dresser in my apartment bedroom. I don't have the courage in myself to put it away just yet.

And so now, after all we went through together, after all the joys and sorrows, the laughing and the fights, laughing together and the crying together, we're left to take our own separate journeys. It's not what I imagined our lives would come to back when we took our vows, but it is what it is.

Metamorphosis.

Four walls...bare...a closet...boxes and suitcases strewn on the floor. A large box acting as a temporary night stand...This was the beginning to my new digs as of two weeks ago. Sure as hell beats living out of suitcases.

My roommate and I are making headway treading through the maze of moving boxes, furniture, and other items that inhabit the living room and what will be the dining area. The kitchen is pretty much well settled. We're fortunate, as that her parents shipped a large load of necessities from North Carolina via some family friends. Everything from a washer and dryer, to a small dinette set, to a futon that is a couch, to dishes, and a host of other amenities. I was given a chest of drawers, which was very kind of them, and it resides on one side of my bed. The other side of the bed has my night table and lamp that I took from my house. My house...my house... I can't call it that anymore.

We met with the mediator for the first time last week regarding a legal separation. I don't want to say too much, other than this is a difficult notion for her to accept. I think though, that the mediator's explanation of the process helped her to understand why I'm pursuing this, that it protects both of us, and has no time limit. If there is any chance that we'll reconcile, this is the best thing to have in place.

I still struggle emotionally about what is happening here, and my role in all of it. I told my therapist that I am trying so hard not to feel guilt, for seeing her in so much pain. I did what I felt I had to do, but it still doesn't lessen this notion that I am the one that is responsible for all the crying she is doing, and the anger. My actions precipitated it, but I am also torn up inside, especially for all the years of things that I could not reconcile, that I could not come to terms with, and that I'm trying hard to forgive her for. Do we still love each other? Yes, we both still do. Love however, as cliche as it sounds, just isn't enough.

On the positive news front, through a series of networking connections, I interviewed for a job at the University of Rochester Medical Center 2 weeks ago. it was an initial interview with the HR recruiter, who was very interested in me. It's a public relations position, and she informed me that I was the only applicant out of 78 that has both public relations and health care experience on my resume, especially health care management experience. They called my references, so I know they're interested, and I'm waiting on a second interview. The strains of that song from "A Chorus Line" are running through my head... "I need this job, oh god, I need, this job."

Also, I was cast in a play at my theatre opening in November, that I really wanted to do, and am very excited. I even got the role I wanted.

I can feel that I am in the process of changing, but where that is leading me, I'm not sure. right now, I'm just hanging on to the reins, and trying not to let things get out of control.

Change of place.

Tomorrow is the start of my move out. I have a new apartment that I'm sharing with a friend from work, but we won't be able to get into it until the 17th of next month. Until then, I'll be staying with a friend and his wife, who have been very gracious and offered to put me up. I'll be going to NYC next week for 4 or 5 days to see my family, as they are very concerned. It has all been so strange. Starting a new bank account, dealing with a lawyer that will mediate our separation, looking around at this house at the familiar, and knowing that it will no longer be so after tomorrow.

The emotional turmoil on both of us has been tremendous. If I could have left earlier, I would have, but circumstances dictated otherwise. The pain for both of us is excruciating, but we have been talking, communicating, and trying to do the best we can. We decided to spend a last night together, having dinner out and watching a movie in. We're not under any illusions here, but I think it will end things on a positive, rather than a negative note. She will be gone in the morning, as she can't bear to watch me leave, and I won't be able to stand to see her watch me.

I just want her nightmares to stop, and for both of us to stop hurting. Hopefully, this is the start of that process. I just want to stop crying every day.

Small steps on a new journey.

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.” - Frodo - "Lord Of The Rings"

If I could have seen the future 21 years ago, would I have taken a different course? Would I not have married her? Would I have spared her the pain of watching her husband dying slowly, and then after being rescued from death, undergo a psychological death? Was there something else I could have done to spare her this moment, to spare her the pain that she is enduring now? I uttered the words, "I can't stay in this marriage" and set in motion the unraveling of half a lifetime of us. Then again, this unraveling started a long time ago. It started when my life was saved, and opened up a whole new dimension of suffering.

In the next few weeks, I will be moving out of my house, and starting on my own journey. We both have been unhappy for some time, and try as we did to save this marriage, it has reached the point when someone had to make a decision to break the cycle of getting better/falling back. That someone turned out to be me. I thought dying was painful enough, but this type of dying makes physical death an easy passage. This is a death that I will carry with me; a scar that will not be physically visible, but nonetheless will remind me of a life that has died.

She hopes that being away will help us find our way back to each other. I can't think that far into the future. I only know how to deal with what is happening now, and let the future unfold as it must. I also know that wherever my happiness lies, as of now, it is not here.

19

Two nights ago, Mrs. Nighttime and I celebrated 19 years being married. It has been a long road, and while we still have things to overcome, we are working together on this. Going through the medical crisis that I did puts particular strains on a marriage. Almost dying twice is not an easy thing to deal with for both the person going through it, and the person who is caring for them. Such is the case with me.

Nietzsche remarked that "Whatever does not kill us, makes us stronger." There is a great deal of truth to that, though when it comes to marriage, it can have the opposite effect. The trick is learning to crawl your way back. Joseph Campbell remarked that "Marriage is an ordeal." It is a shared one, to be sure.

The other night however, was a time to put those things aside, and just enjoy things for what they are. We were looking for a good restaurant to go to, some place we have never been before. A friend of the wife suggested Esperanza Mansion, on the east side of Keuka Lake. It was a great suggestion. The food was terrific, we had a great bottle of Pinot Noir from Ravines Wineries, a Keuka Lake winery. The view from the northeast end of the lake was wonderful as well. (As you can see here.)

Some other shots from the restaurant:





This is the view to the west side of the lake.










View from the restaurant veranda, looking southeast. This is smack in the middle of farm country, as well as wine country.











Petunias on the veranda.













Inside one of the guest dining rooms. The mansion is also a hotel/B&B.












Rear view of the mansion. I was not able to get a view of the front veranda, as the grass was soaked from a rainstorm that we rode into on the way there. Lots of lightning and downed trees on the road. It was a 90 minute drive there, but well worth the effort.