Friday, August 27, 2010

Change of place.

Tomorrow is the start of my move out. I have a new apartment that I'm sharing with a friend from work, but we won't be able to get into it until the 17th of next month. Until then, I'll be staying with a friend and his wife, who have been very gracious and offered to put me up. I'll be going to NYC next week for 4 or 5 days to see my family, as they are very concerned. It has all been so strange. Starting a new bank account, dealing with a lawyer that will mediate our separation, looking around at this house at the familiar, and knowing that it will no longer be so after tomorrow.

The emotional turmoil on both of us has been tremendous. If I could have left earlier, I would have, but circumstances dictated otherwise. The pain for both of us is excruciating, but we have been talking, communicating, and trying to do the best we can. We decided to spend a last night together, having dinner out and watching a movie in. We're not under any illusions here, but I think it will end things on a positive, rather than a negative note. She will be gone in the morning, as she can't bear to watch me leave, and I won't be able to stand to see her watch me.

I just want her nightmares to stop, and for both of us to stop hurting. Hopefully, this is the start of that process. I just want to stop crying every day.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Small steps on a new journey.

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.” - Frodo - "Lord Of The Rings"

If I could have seen the future 21 years ago, would I have taken a different course? Would I not have married her? Would I have spared her the pain of watching her husband dying slowly, and then after being rescued from death, undergo a psychological death? Was there something else I could have done to spare her this moment, to spare her the pain that she is enduring now? I uttered the words, "I can't stay in this marriage" and set in motion the unraveling of half a lifetime of us. Then again, this unraveling started a long time ago. It started when my life was saved, and opened up a whole new dimension of suffering.

In the next few weeks, I will be moving out of my house, and starting on my own journey. We both have been unhappy for some time, and try as we did to save this marriage, it has reached the point when someone had to make a decision to break the cycle of getting better/falling back. That someone turned out to be me. I thought dying was painful enough, but this type of dying makes physical death an easy passage. This is a death that I will carry with me; a scar that will not be physically visible, but nonetheless will remind me of a life that has died.

She hopes that being away will help us find our way back to each other. I can't think that far into the future. I only know how to deal with what is happening now, and let the future unfold as it must. I also know that wherever my happiness lies, as of now, it is not here.