Thursday, July 14, 2011

It is what it is.

Beginnings and endings. This is the stuff of life. We're born, we die. We move to a new place, and move out again. People come into our lives and then they leave. Relationships come and go. Marriages are created with the hope of lasting until the end. Usually, that is intended to mean one or the other dying. There is of course the other way, where one or both people end it for a myriad of reasons.

The end has come for mine. A few weeks ago, I received divorce papers in the mail. The reality is that it probably ended before these papers came, even before I moved out. Marriages can die a slow and painful death, and this is what happened with mine. We tried hard to revive it, but in the end, there were too many hurts that would not heal. Getting the papers delivered to me the day after I came back from a trip home to NYC was still something of a shock. I expected that it would be me that would make this decision, and in fact I was still wrestling with when and how I would do it. In many ways it was something of a relief, as now that decision was lifted from my shoulders. It still doesn't make it any easier emotionally in terms of knowing that there is now a finality to this journey that we both started so many years ago. I also think that this is the way for her to regain not only some control over the situation, but also as a way for her to go on with her life, to move forward.

I still love her, and always will, though I suspect she will always doubt it, and curse me for the rest of her days for leaving. It's what I had to do. Not a question so much of wanting, but had to. I could no longer see any other option. There was too much pain between us, something that even she had admitted. I look at the bare spot on my left hand's ring finger where there used to be an indentation after I took it off. There is nothing there now, no indication that there was a gold band that occupied it for 21 years. The ring that symbolized she and I now sits in a ceramic bowl on my dresser in my apartment bedroom. I don't have the courage in myself to put it away just yet.

And so now, after all we went through together, after all the joys and sorrows, the laughing and the fights, laughing together and the crying together, we're left to take our own separate journeys. It's not what I imagined our lives would come to back when we took our vows, but it is what it is.


VioletSky said...

It was a large chunk of your life... I hope you, too, can gain control of your live and move peacefully towards a new stage.

Mr. Nighttime said...

VS - I'm on my way. Things feel more settled in my life in some ways than they have in the past. I still have a ways to go.

I owe you a visit, don't I?

Jay at The Depp Effect said...

How very sad.. Twenty one years is a very long time - longer than most marriages seem to last these days. Is it better to end with a bang or a whimper? I imagine that both are equally painful in their different ways.

I hope you will find peace and acceptance in the coming months and years, and that your ex-wife will, too.

Guyana-Gyal said...

No matter how many years or how few years a couple's been together, breaking up really is a little death. But the good thing is, there's life and healing.