Thursday, August 12, 2010

Small steps on a new journey.

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.” - Frodo - "Lord Of The Rings"


If I could have seen the future 21 years ago, would I have taken a different course? Would I not have married her? Would I have spared her the pain of watching her husband dying slowly, and then after being rescued from death, undergo a psychological death? Was there something else I could have done to spare her this moment, to spare her the pain that she is enduring now? I uttered the words, "I can't stay in this marriage" and set in motion the unraveling of half a lifetime of us. Then again, this unraveling started a long time ago. It started when my life was saved, and opened up a whole new dimension of suffering.

In the next few weeks, I will be moving out of my house, and starting on my own journey. We both have been unhappy for some time, and try as we did to save this marriage, it has reached the point when someone had to make a decision to break the cycle of getting better/falling back. That someone turned out to be me. I thought dying was painful enough, but this type of dying makes physical death an easy passage. This is a death that I will carry with me; a scar that will not be physically visible, but nonetheless will remind me of a life that has died.

She hopes that being away will help us find our way back to each other. I can't think that far into the future. I only know how to deal with what is happening now, and let the future unfold as it must. I also know that wherever my happiness lies, as of now, it is not here.

11 comments:

battlemaiden said...

Wishing you all the best as your sort through everything. *hugs*

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Sending love, hugs and hope things improve for you both. BG Xx

Wafa' said...

wishing you the best in getting along with your life, what you want and your future. My prayers are with you .

Noura said...

I think you will be fine. By recognizing that there is a problem and taking action no matter how painful it was prove that you are a strong person in every way. It takes a lot of courage to do what you did and to be honest with you I envy you !! A lot of people including me live in denial and go through life living miserably because they are afraid of change. So, no matter how painful it is for both of you at this time, maybe it is for the best. I wish you both all the luck :)

Guyana-Gyal said...

My romantic heart is sad for both you and her. I hope you and she can find happiness wherever life leads.

Jay said...

Oh, I am sorry. This must be so painful for both of you. I can only send you good wishes and hope that you both find your way forward, even if it isn't together.

Zed said...

I've said a lot to you via Skype, but I'll say it again: it will hurt for both of you and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Be strong, each of you, and I know that you'll find happiness again. xxx

Mr. Nighttime said...

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. This is going to be a painful transition, for both of us. I'm not sure where this is taking me, but I do know that I need to wander down this path.

VioletSky said...

It must be a sad time for both of you. I wish you peace as you move on.

The Living Museum of Joy & Anticipation said...

Walking away rather than prolong the suffering is in itself an act of love. Good luck.

A.D. Sisson said...

My best wishes to you, Mr. N.
We three need to get together at some point when things are less hectic.