Is it safe?

Yes, it is. A compromised was reached, and my job is safe. All this means is that I now have to double and triple my efforts to get out of that 10th Circle Of Hell, whether by means of another job, or by freelancing full-time. On the latter of those two, things are headed in the right direction. I just picked up another client to do some copyediting for a series of web articles that this person is goign to publish.

Keep your fingers crossed.

I feel like Michael Corleone...

...I got pulled back in!



For just about 11 years, I wrote for a national EMS professional journal, titled interestingly enough, EMS Magazine. This was the place where I took my baby steps into the world of freelance writing, taking whatever skills I may have naturally possessed, and developing them with the guidance of an experienced editor. I wrote everything from educational pieces, to personal stories, to book reviews, all the while exploring a skill I never really knew I had.

In 2000, I wrote my last piece for the magazine. It was entitled, "What Are You Prepared To Do?" and dealt in part with the idea of who we were as EMS professionals, our identity, and how it had been co-opted by other emergency services, such as fire departments. While I left EMS behind the year before, I was still in healthcare, but that would be my final article. There was no real reason to write for the magazine anymore, and with my depression starting to bubble, I think somewhere inside I was thinking, "It's time to get away from this profession in every way."

Flash forwards 10 years: Now, having come to terms with so much of what I experienced, I feel I can go back and write for them, but from a detached position, which actually may be something of a blessing. I shot my former editor (who is still there) some recent clips of my work, she was bowled over, and was going to throw some story ideas my way, when I threw one at her. I'll be writing a two part piece that will cover how EMS personnel deal with impending retirement. It will be in their online edition. Part 1 will be out in June, and then part 2 in July. Even better? They're going to pay me. I didn't always get paid for what I wrote for them in the past.

So, here I go, diving back into the world I left behind. I'm thinking a little of Paul Simon's "Still Crazy After All These Years."

"I met my old lover
On the street last night
She seemed so glad to see me
I just smiled
And we talked about some old times
And we drank ourselves some beers
Still crazy after all these years
Oh, still crazy after all these years"

You get the idea, right?

Resolutions? I don't need no steenkin resolutions!

I seem to remember last year posting that I was resolute on not making any resolutions. I'll quote again from Mark Twain, as I did last year:

"New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."

While I believe we make our own hell here on earth, to not have to worry about the possibility of another one after we die and at the risk of starting my own path to it, I resolve two things for this year.

1. I will get the fuck out of this mind numbing job, no if and's or but's, and become a successful full-time freelance writer. I am hoping that the recent good news of landing a national publication (finally!) is the first step down this yellow brick road.

2. I will learn to play guitar. I did try once a couple of years ago through the local continuing education at our local high school, but it became evident that learning in a group setting like that is not for me. I need 1-on-1 instruction for something like this.

Normally, I don't like making resolutions, especially at this time of year, but something feels different. I can' quite put my finger on it, but I think that I am finally going to make some headway with my own personal goals. So, maybe instead of calling them "resolutions," I'll refer to them as "personal bests." It has an Olympic-like quality to it, bit it gives me something to focus on; a target to aim towards.

It sure beats something that often carries the words "non-binding" before it.

A year in the life.

I happened to glance at the blogpost tracker widget that I have, and realized that it has been one year since I decided to not only leave comments on other people's blogs, but actually try to see if I could screw up the courage to try my hand at one myself. While I enjoyed writing, I've never enjoyed writing about myself.

I suppose that is why I try to blog as anonymously as possible. There are some of you out there in blogland (you know who you are) that know who I am, but for the most part I have found that blogging anonymously allows me to detach myself from me, if that makes any sense whatsoever. I've found it to be useful and has allowed me to open up enough to at least try to make some of these posts mildly interesting.

The other thing that it did was get me into the habit of writing regularly. As a budding full-time freelance writer, it is important that I do this, to keep my skills and chops up to speed, especially in-between writing. It also allows me to experiment, to explore and find my own style. People have asked me "Well, what is your writing style?" To be honest, I can't define it. Someone left a comment in my comments box that described it as "pithy," but he seemed to mean it in a good way. I prefer to think of my style as being as honest as possible, and to avoid the sarcastic, melodramatic jingo that seems to permeate so much of what I read in the media these days.

I also have noticed that my blog entry counter is at 151. Somehow, I blew past number 150 without even noticing it. I'll have to pay closer to that from now on.

So, here's to another year, to 150 more blogposts, or perhaps more, and to keep getting better at what I do. Thanks to all of you that have commented, and especially to those that keep coming back. I am eternally grateful that you think I have something worthwhile to say, and want more of it. I'll leave you with a quote from one of my favorite authors, Joseph Campbell:

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us."

Broadcast me a joyful noise.

" We're sick of being jerked around
We all fall down."

I have a friend I will call "Sam." Sam is one of those people that look at life as something that is constantly out to get him. Mind you, he's had some rough going in recent years; multiple moves within a 2-3 year period, a job that he thought was going to be far better than it is, and dealing with a whole host of other ills. He's a friend that I have needed to step back from a bit, especially after a nasty incident last year that tested my patience. I can be a very loyal friend, but when I feel that friendship is being abused, I do not take it well.

All this aside, he is simply not an optimistic individual. It is not in his make-up, and therein lies the problem. Negativity. It seems as though over the past several years, I have been encountered too many people in my life that are of the "glass half empty" variety. It is especially difficult when I am trying hard to keep focus on carving out a new career, or rather an old passion that is turning into a new career.

The yin and yang that is life requires us to accept that which is inevitable; people in our lives come and go. They can energize us or depress us, but it is how we react to it that molds our outlook. I think that what partially fueled my depression in past years was the fact that all too often I paid too much heed to those that swung too far in the direction of that which is dark. It was easy, as misery does indeed love company. There was a certain solace in the fact that others were in an even more screwed up state than I was, which is pretty amazing looking back on it from a distance.

"Its been a bad day.
Please dont take a picture
Its been a bad day.
Please"

After going through my illness and transplant experience, you might think that it should be easy to look at life more positively, and on the whole, I do. Coming close to death (twice now, actually) made me understand that truth that I always knew, but never fully realized; life is fleeting. Enjoy your life now. One of my heroes, Joseph Campbell was asked by Bill Moyers, "You mean you are describing the search for the meaning of life?" "No." was Campbell's reply.
"I think that what we're searching for is an experience of being alive."

I think that this is what has allowed me to shift my view of who I am keeping company with these days. I don't deny the existence of the negative elements of my life, as this would be too Pollyana-ish of me. It would also go against the realistic, cynical part of my nature, which helps keep my common sense in tune. I do think though that it is far more important for me to maintain and nurture those friendships that help me keep focused on the energy that is positive, that will drive me towards making what I want to do a reality.

"Broadcast me a joyful noise unto the times, lord,
Count your blessings."

Yin and Yang.

I always find it a tad remarkable how life's moments sewing back and forth from sorrow to joy, suffering to rapture, in just the span of a few days. This past week was certainly a prime example of this, and it just cements the idea in my brain that I don't worry about going to hell or heaven in a world to come. They are right here, on earth, and we live these moments every day of our existence.

The beginning of last week, as you might have read, was punctuated by the sudden death of a 27 year-old co-worker; the reasons for which are still unexplained as of today. It was the low point of the week, and I was truly looking forward to attending the professional conference that I signed up for a couple of months ago, not only to learn things, but to put my brain on a different course. While one of the sessions went slightly over my head , (it revolved around editing in MS Word and the use of macros) the rest of the sessions gave me excellent insights into what I need to do to ramp my business into high gear.

The toughest part of this endeavor has been getting my brain to think in a business-like manner. I have never had to do that before, to think and be a businessman. Now, I know that can have some negative connotations, but it is a discipline I will need to develop if I want to make a true go at this. There was one speaker whose public speaking style needs refinement, but, gave a lot of valuable information on this very topic. He's a six-figure freelancer, and he didn't get that way by sitting on his ass. The only thing that I disagreed with him on was that in order to succeed, you need to think of yourself solely as a businessman, not as a craftsman, or an artist. I think you can do both, be a businessman when it is called for, and an artist or craftsman (as this is what a writer is) when one is writing. I always keep a saying from "Finding Forrester" in my head. Sean Connery tells his young pupil, "You write your first draft with your heart, your second draft with your head." This I think is the balance one needs if one is to succeed.

Oh, and on top of all this, an absolutely fantastic thing happened to my theatre this week. I am not at liberty to talk about it just now, but will in the coming weeks, maybe even the coming days. It is something we have been working on for about the past year, and will greatly impact our future. I promise not to keep you in suspense too long.

So, I started today on my first step; getting my home office organized, and setting realistic goals. Let's see what happens tomorrow.

Stuck in neutral.

I don't know what it is about the past 2 weeks, but it seems as though motivation has not been my strong suit. While I was in NYC, I made a point of telling myself that when I returned home I would go full-bore into working towards my goal of becoming a full-time freelance writer by next year. I already started my course in proofreading, just had an article published in July, and I thought that at the very least, the thought of returning to this mindless excuse of a job would provide motivation enough. So why is it that these last 2 weeks have been among the least productive I have experienced for quite some time?

It is not as though I haven't been working towards that goal at all. It just seems that for the past two weeks I have been in a veritable fog, unable to motivate myself. I want to do this so badly, but for some reason the brick wall of "Who gives a fuck?" has reared its ugly head. I know this will pass, it always does. There is a conference I will be attending at the end of the month that is sponsored by a local professional writers organization that should lift my spirits. It is specifically geared towards building a freelance writing business, and will have presenters that I have read about that I have come to respect.

I know this may be part of my own insecurities, wondering if I am up to this task. I will be the first to admit that I never really had a great head for business, and there is a lot to absorb. I just want to be free of the yoke of working for someone else so very badly, and have control over what I earn, and how I earn it. I suppose I will just have to learn to push past this moment, and get back the drive that I know I have somewhere inside of me. I just want to be able to do it without grinding the clutch.