Thursday, September 30, 2010

Metamorphosis.

Four walls...bare...a closet...boxes and suitcases strewn on the floor. A large box acting as a temporary night stand...This was the beginning to my new digs as of two weeks ago. Sure as hell beats living out of suitcases.

My roommate and I are making headway treading through the maze of moving boxes, furniture, and other items that inhabit the living room and what will be the dining area. The kitchen is pretty much well settled. We're fortunate, as that her parents shipped a large load of necessities from North Carolina via some family friends. Everything from a washer and dryer, to a small dinette set, to a futon that is a couch, to dishes, and a host of other amenities. I was given a chest of drawers, which was very kind of them, and it resides on one side of my bed. The other side of the bed has my night table and lamp that I took from my house. My house...my house... I can't call it that anymore.

We met with the mediator for the first time last week regarding a legal separation. I don't want to say too much, other than this is a difficult notion for her to accept. I think though, that the mediator's explanation of the process helped her to understand why I'm pursuing this, that it protects both of us, and has no time limit. If there is any chance that we'll reconcile, this is the best thing to have in place.

I still struggle emotionally about what is happening here, and my role in all of it. I told my therapist that I am trying so hard not to feel guilt, for seeing her in so much pain. I did what I felt I had to do, but it still doesn't lessen this notion that I am the one that is responsible for all the crying she is doing, and the anger. My actions precipitated it, but I am also torn up inside, especially for all the years of things that I could not reconcile, that I could not come to terms with, and that I'm trying hard to forgive her for. Do we still love each other? Yes, we both still do. Love however, as cliche as it sounds, just isn't enough.

On the positive news front, through a series of networking connections, I interviewed for a job at the University of Rochester Medical Center 2 weeks ago. it was an initial interview with the HR recruiter, who was very interested in me. It's a public relations position, and she informed me that I was the only applicant out of 78 that has both public relations and health care experience on my resume, especially health care management experience. They called my references, so I know they're interested, and I'm waiting on a second interview. The strains of that song from "A Chorus Line" are running through my head... "I need this job, oh god, I need, this job."

Also, I was cast in a play at my theatre opening in November, that I really wanted to do, and am very excited. I even got the role I wanted.

I can feel that I am in the process of changing, but where that is leading me, I'm not sure. right now, I'm just hanging on to the reins, and trying not to let things get out of control.

6 comments:

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Wishing you both the very best of luck for the future BG Xx

Retiredandcrazy said...

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. The only thing that I can say to you is that in my experience nothing stays the same for long. Who knows what good things are around the corner for you. You just have to believe and keep looking.

Zed said...

It won't be like this forever, but for the time being it is difficult - I should know. You simply have to live each day as it comes and embrace that day with the thought that you know that you have done the right thing.

Hold in there.

Zxxx

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Guyana-Gyal said...

I've read this post more than once and the naive, romantic part in me keeps hoping, yet the realist part says I should tell you, this too shall pass.

Jay said...

You are going through an incredibly hard time. It's no comfort that so many have trodden this path before you, or that so many have continued on with their lives afterwards and even been as happy (if not happier) than before. I know that.

I hope things work out for the best for you, whatever that is. Just remember that no marriage is perfect, that if it appears to be perfect to an outsider, one or both of the partners is lying. We all have problems, some big and some small. Either you can both live with those problems or you can't. Simple as that.

Life sucks sometimes, doesn't it? :(